so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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