Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
