I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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