My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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