You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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