what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
