What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
