he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
