i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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