Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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