it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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