I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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