I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
