a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
