the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
