Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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