do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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