She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
