worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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