he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
