he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
