he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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