I hope mine doesn't look like that
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
