Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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