I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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