Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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