I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
