I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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