Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
