My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
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we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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