i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
