remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
