Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
