Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
