College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
