YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the day after is always just damage control
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
