wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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