Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Randomize
