you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
