Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
