Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
