I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
