plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
