I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
