It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
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