Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
