I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
