I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Im part way to drunk.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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