i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I stole a fireplace last night.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
