Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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