You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
