That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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