I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
