I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
