I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
